How did you get here?

In the words of Deborah Cox,

How did you get here? Nobody’s supposed to be here.

It’s been over three years since I found my home at Told By Ter**. What started as a lifestyle blog quickly turned into another online journal. And that was ok… After all, my blogging hobby started with online journals. During that transition, I never unlinked my blog from my social media accounts, and that’s where the problems started.

My marriage has ended. After years of arguing, fighting, and thinking we were doing what was best of the kids by keeping a two-parent home, we decided to call it quits. It was touch and go for a while…wasn’t sure I was doing the right thing… Trying to explain to the kids that mommy and daddy aren’t together anymore… Coping with being alone since I’ve never been on my own. The last couple of years of therapy has brought some clarity. I can, honestly, say that I am doing somewhat better.

The ex-husband struggles more than I do. He often questions what he did wrong. I’ll admit that I haven’t been the easiest person to talk to, which is why he felt the need to go looking for answers. (Closure and shit, I guess.) That led him to the link that I never removed from my IG profile, and he ended up with hurt feelings. Ever since, I haven’t felt like it was safe to talk about my feelings over there. Every time I logged in to write something, I felt like…maybe I needed to censor myself. I hated that feeling, so here we are.

At the end of it all, I need my space. I enjoy blogging. I enjoy sharing my life, but I’m tired of censoring myself to protect the feelings of other people. Part of this new journey is learning who I am and deciding who I want to be going forward. I no longer want to be the person who goes out of her way to make everyone else comfortable. Maybe I’ll stay here, maybe I’ll go back to TBT. As with anything, time will tell.

Day 1: It’s Saturday Again

8:38pm. It’s Saturday…again. It’s been 257 days since the COVID-19 shutdown started for me. I haven’t lost my sanity, yet, but I’m so close. I’m feeling the strain from seeing these kids all day, every day. Even now, there’s a little one on the floor playing with LOL Dolls, while I’m silently screaming for a moment alone.

There’s a new court date: 1.15.2021. I’m less than two months away from being 100% done with their father. My heart has known that it’s been over for years, but I’m still struggling because… Damn, this is real. I never wanted to be a single parent. Hell, I never saw myself being divorced either. I royally fucked up our marriage, and there is no going back. I don’t even want to go back. I just like to wallow in the pain that I’ve caused on myself. 

Over the last week or so, I’ve experienced so many emotions. Am I a good parent? Am I fucking up my kids? Will I ever be happy again? I just feel like I’ve hit rock bottom and getting up is hard as fuck because… This shit fucking hurts. I’m hurting and I have no one I can go to. I’m upset with myself. I’m upset with myself because I always push people away. I’m upset with myself for always pretending that I’m good. I’m upset because it’s to the point where no one even bothers to ask me if I’m okay anymore. I also understand that I’m here because of me. I understand that these are the consequences for my actions. And I understand that I have to acknowledge that I’ve been a shitty person to a lot of people, and there might not be any coming back from that…

I have been fighting all my demons away
So that I could become the best thing you have

Stay Where You Are – Yuna